Konoha Eye for the Sand Guy
by Ketsi-aiita-n
Summary: My 'fab' five make over a certain redhead...Shonenai, an ending that surprised the writer, and humour abound! Resubmitted cos of sucky formatting


Tears'o'Blood Inc. presents…

Konoha Eye for the Sand Guy!

Naruto

Big Fat Disclaimer: Naruto isn't mine. -sobs- Neither is Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. But Ketsi's world of plotholes – that is mine. And Tears'o'Blood Inc. And…Gaara's new look. That'll be mine. So will his house. Oh, I do love owning things!

Warning number one: Because this is based on QUEER EYE FOR THE STRAIGHT GUY, there will be shonen-ai! Just the fluffy stuff for this fic. If this doesn't bother you, hooray! If it does, don't bother reading this. I'm not a huge fan of flames unless they're funny. Ok? It's Everyone-but-Lee x Sasuke (no duh) all the way through.

Warning number two: This fic involves an overly gay Itachi (with thanks to xXxRachiexXx for reminding me to add him). If you want to keep your sanity, leave. NOW.

Warning number 3: Fantasmagorical is not spelt Phantasmagorical because…Phantasmagorical doesn't begin with an F.

Dedication: This is dedicated to DBZHobbit, as she is still often known here, and the Rachie mentioned above. It's for Hobbit because her Gundam Eye for the OZ Guy inspired me to do this, and Rachie because…well, just because.

And one more note: Gaara isn't twelve in this because…erm…I don't want him to be. So if he's seventeen, which he now is, (and super shexi) then raise everyone else's ages to match. And yes, Gaara still lives at home. Hey, I only said he was shexi.

.-'K'-,-'E'-,-'T'-,-'S'-,-'U'-,-'R'-,-'U'-,-'I'-,

Ketsi aka Narrator: Welcome to…Konha Eye for the Sand Guy! A special from Tears'o'Blood Inc.! -Big fanfare, some kind of Logo appears on the screen, flashing, knocking out half of the general public.-

Ketsi aka Narrator(cont'd): And we're doing Gaara over. I feel sorry for him, especially now that we know who is doing what…

Naruto – Still a complete idiot – Food

Sasuke – Still sexiest human on the planet – Fashion

Itachi – Brave enough to wear a dress and nail polish – Interior Design

Lee – Hasn't changed that hairstyle yet – Grooming (Poor Gaara)

Kakashi – Four words: Icha Icha Paradise Movie – Culture

Gaara: You put Rock Lee on Hair?

Lee: Hey. What's wrong with me doing hair?

Naruto: -sniggers-

Gaara: -attempts to strangle Naruto- You did this, didn't you?

Sasuke: -raises hand- It was me.

Gaara: -sees Itachi giving him death glares and decides to forget about it. That is, until he sees who is on Culture-

Gaara: Kakashi! -Oo-

Kakashi: -looks up from reading. He might be smiling, who knows?- I'm going to have so much fun making you cultural…

Gaara: -twitches-

.-'K'-,-'E'-,-'T'-,-'S'-,-'U'-,-'R'-,-'U'-,-'I'-,

Ketsi aka Narrator: And so, our Fantastic, Fabulous, Fantasmagorical Five wander over to Gaara's house. In the sand village. Welcome to Ketsi's world of plotholes. At least they didn't jump into a minivan.

Minivan: -appears- Get in, Fantastic, Fabulous, Fantasmagorical Five.

Fantastic, Fabulous, Fantasmagorical Five: O.o …Ok.

Kakashi: So! For the benefit of some invisible cameras and a non-existent audience at home, who are we doing over?

Naruto: It's Gaara. And will you not read whilst you're driving?

Kakashi: …I know the road's out there.

Sasuke: What's his second name?

-silence-

Sasuke: Come on! He's got to have a second name!

Naruto: -coughs-

Lee: -breaks silence- … So…we've got to send him out on a date with someone, I think.

Itachi, Naruto, Sasuke and Kakashi: Sakura.

Lee: -eye twitches- Erm…why?

Itachi, Naruto, Sasuke and Kakashi: She's after me/Sasuke. (delete as applicable)

Ketsi aka Narrator: May I mention that Sasuke is in the middle at the back, with Naruto and his brother on either side, Kakashi is driving and Lee is in the front seat. When Lee asked who Gaara was going to date, Itachi and Naruto both practically strangled Sasuke by hugging him, and Kakashi's hand also appeared and grabbed Sasuke. Sasuke is now almost dying of oxygen deprivation, so we'll carry on.

Lee: Um…we're here.

Fantastic, Fabulous, Fantasmagorical Five: -get out-

Ketsi aka Narrator: And so, they knocked on the door. Temari answered, yelled for Gaara, Gaara nearly died of shock, and now, they're tearing around his house, making fun of stuff he owns and things he wears. As they do.

Sasuke: My god, This is all you wear! And this white thing! -throws a collection of them out of his closet, which Kakashi then throws out of the window- Hideous!

Gaara: What? No! -runs to the window- Now I have no clothes!

Sasuke: -slings arm around Gaara's shoulders, earning glares from three of the Fantastic, Fabulous, Fantasmagorical Five - Well, that's what I'm here for. I'm going to make you gorgeous. And I'd get rid of the brown. Trust me.

Itachi: -yells from next room- Gaara! Come here right now!

Gaara: -looks worried, but does as he's told-

Itachi: -grabs Gaara's hand and points at the wall- Darling, what do you see?

Gaara: Um…a wall?

Itachi: Yes, but what colour?

Gaara: Brown?

Itachi: Well done. Now, guess what colour I think walls should never be?

Gaara: Brown?

Itachi -hugs Gaara- Well done, sweetie. I'm going to make all of these rooms a nice calm neutral colour that isn't brown so that you can relax in here, alright? Because that tortured soul thing you've got going on has been done before, and we all know that no one is attracted to a misery-guts, alright?

Gaara: -still reeling from the fact that Itachi called him 'sweetie'- O…k…

Ketsi aka Narrator: Itachi has something against the colour brown, can't you tell?

Itachi: -goes into Gaara's bedroom- Oh Kami. This simply will not do, Gaara. -points at black walls- Would anyone ever want to come in here when it's so dark? -walks over to window- And these curtains…are they stapled shut?

Gaara: Yes. Temari kept on opening them.

Itachi: -runs to Gaara and hugs him- But darling, it's not healthy to be in the dark all the time!

Gaara: But I like it like this…

Itachi: I don't care. I'm going to make it light and airy and fabulous.

Gaara: But –

Itachi: You'll love it, I promise.

Lee: -calls from bathroom- Gaara!

Itachi: You'd better go. He gets cranky if he's ignored.

Gaara: -walks into the bathroom and has to duck to avoid being hit by a shampoo bottle-

Lee: -yelling- These are all wrong for your type of hair! You have no idea what is good for your poor hair, do you? -pause- You're a natural redhead, right?

Gaara: Yeah…

Lee: Well, you need shampoo for red hair then! Simple! And you don't condition, do you? Don't lie, because I know you don't. I didn't see any here, and I asked your sister, and I can tell from just looking at you that you don't use it!

Gaara: You're right.

Lee: See? I told you. And I expect you just shampoo it once, am I right? Well, that's the wrong thing to do! You have to shampoo it twice and condition it once; otherwise it'll be terrible, like in the Chuunin Exams. I hate fighting people who don't look after their hair!

Gaara: -looks terrified-

Lee: Yes…-sudden change of tone. Now he's nice, not insane- And one more thing. The skin around this mark on your head gets irritated, am I right?

Gaara: -relaxed now- Yes…

Lee: Well, I'm going to find something that will stop it being all irritated and stuff. Because…well, because I'm nice.

Ketsi aka Narrator: Aww, Lee is really quite sweet. Luckily for Gaara, he's not going to attempt to cut his hair. Because apparently it's good as it is. Or maybe it's because Sasuke bribed him. We'll never know.

Kakashi: -wanders in, as he does, and leads Gaara away from the maniac with the shampoo- I do culture.

Gaara: That's … nice.

Kakashi. Yes. Well, I was planning on taking you to the set of the movie, but instead I'm going to spend my day helping out the rest of the Fantastic, Fabulous, Fantasmagorical Five, and dreaming up somewhere for you to go tonight.

Gaara: Who am I going out with?

Kakashi: Sakura.

Gaara: -eye twitches- Sa…Sakura?

Kakashi: Well, we had to get her away from Sasuke somehow, and a date with a homicidal maniac - no offence -

Gaara: None taken.

Kakashi: - would distract her.

Gaara: I completely understand. As long as I don't have to marry her at the end…

Kakashi: Would I do that to you?

Gaara: Yes.

Kakashi: Good point…well, you don't have to marry her, no.

Ketsi aka Narrator: And now, we get to what many people consider the star of Naruto – Naruto. Could be the fact that they've both got the same name, but I'm sure the show is all about Sasuke. Anyway, he's yelled for Gaara and he is now in the kitchen. We also discover that this is where Temari has been since greeting the Fantastic, Fabulous, Fantasmagorical Five. Kankuro is…erm…out.

Naruto: What do you eat?

Temari: -is being the sarcastic older sister, and not letting Gaara speak- You mean when he's not killing people and letting that deranged raccoon drink their blood?

Naruto: …Yeah.

Temari: Noodles. That I make.

Gaara: Not all the time!

Temari: Yeah, sometimes he eats candy. When I'm not around to make him food.

Naruto: -breaking up a family argument that could turn deadly, if the sand appearing behind Gaara is anything to go by- Ok, ok. I'm going to teach Gaara how to make Ramen.

Temari: You'll have to have superpowers. Gaara doesn't do cooking.

Gaara: I would if you didn't block the door with that stupid fan, or if you taught me how to cook anything!

Temari: Whatever.

Naruto: -again, breaks up the family argument- Ok, Temari, maybe you should go so that we can do something about your brother, yes?

Temari: Good luck…-leaves-

Naruto: Right…now, Gaara. You and cooking.

Gaara: If Temari didn't hog the kitchen, then I'd try and learn how to cook. Kankuro never gets to do anything either, and she complains we're not doing enough!

Naruto: Well, I'm going to get you to make Ramen noodles, which is really simple, and you can show your sister that other people can cook too. And whilst we're at it, we're making over the kitchen, so you'll know where everything is better than your sister.

Gaara: That's great.

Naruto: O.o You smiling… It's creepy.

Gaara: …sorry.

Naruto: -hugs- Nah, I'm kidding. Everyone loves you when you smile.

Gaara: -hugs back-

Ketsi aka Narrator: Cut to everyone in the Brown! Living room, with some Drink! which has magically appeared, along with six glasses that all match despite only three people living in the house, and it is common knowledge that you can only ever find four matching glasses at the most when you need them. Meh, it's a plothole, live with it.

Fantastic, Fabulous, Fantasmagorical Five: -raise glasses-

Kakashi: What can we toast to?

Sasuke: Erm…A new Sand dude?

Naruto: -twitches- I just heard Sasuke say dude. The world isn't right.

Itachi: Whatever. Kampai, people.

Fantastic, Fabulous, Fantasmagorical Five and Gaara: Kampai!

Ketsi aka Narrator: And so there was a scene change. Sasuke, Kakashi and Itachi grabbed Gaara and threw him into the minivan, which was then magically transported to…somewhere where there's lots of shops. Sasuke took Gaara into a clothes shop. Well, it's his job! And Kakashi is following them to stare at Sasuke – I mean help pick out clothes.

Sasuke: -right at home in a clothes shop- Now, we're going to put you in things you don't usually wear.

Kakashi: -turns into a human clothes horse-

Sasuke: -going through shirts- No, that'll clash with your hair…that is ugly…that's nice, we'll have that…Kami, who designed that?…that's good…

Gaara: -watches Kakashi staggering under piles of material- Sasuke…I think this is enough for now…

Sasuke: -turns, sees walking pile of clothes- Ah…maybe I got a little bit carried away.

Ketsi aka Narrator: You, of course, don't want to see Gaara changing. I mean, it takes a long time, and he's only quite sexy, not super shexi like Sasuke. Anyway, here is his first outfit.

Sasuke: You look really good in black.

Gaara: -is wearing black jeans, a black turtleneck jumper and black boots- I don't know. It looks a bit…well, weird, really.

Sasuke: Trust me. You look really good in black. It goes well against your skin tone and hair colours.

Gaara: I haven't got a choice, have I?

Sasuke: Not really. Just try out what I give you.

Ketsi aka Narrator: These two then went through about six different styles, including Gaara-the-surfer and Gaara-the-Goth. And finally, we find exactly which style is his favourite.

Gaara: -is wearing those black jeans from before, but on top of that is a dark green t-shirt and an open black shirt. He has a black belt with red details on, and the black boots from before-

Sasuke: Now this is sexy.

Gaara: -wants to agree, but that would seem arrogant.- Yeah. -too late-

Sasuke: We'll put in some other ones too…but I want you to wear this, because it's gorgeous. -leans up and kisses Gaara on the cheek-

Gaara: Oo

Ketsi aka Narrator: Before the scene turns to lemon juice, which it undoubtedly would do if I were left to my own devices, Gaara is going to Itachi. Lucky him. And he's wearing his sexy new clothes.

He's not gonna know what hit him.

Oh, and Gaara's gourd has disappeared down one of my plotholes.

Itachi: Gaara, darling, you look gorgeous. I knew my little brother had a fantastic fashion sense, but this…

Gaara: -twirls on the spot. Kami knows what happened to him when he was with Sasuke- You like?

Itachi: Sweetie, I'm positively dying from the fact that you're not my boyfriend. Now come on. We need to get rid of that Brown! Living room. -grabs Gaara's hand and takes him into the shop-

Gaara: So what colour should I have on my walls?

Itachi: -squeaks with delight- I love you, you know that? No one ever asks what I think, they just let me paint. Honestly. What am I, a slave?

Gaara: -waits for Itachi to stop-

Itachi: -breathes- Anyway, I was thinking of a pale blue for your walls, because it is a relaxing colour, and we all know that you of all people need relaxing. -picks up a bucket- This is nice, so we're getting a lot of it.

Gaara: -knows it's best to agree with crazy guys- Ok. Is all the house going to be this colour?

Itachi: Well, I was going to make Temari's room all red, but I know that that would make her angry, so I'm painting her room green, the kitchen will be light green, and Kankuro's room is going to be orange. But I'm making it all light shades. You're a very angry family.

Gaara: -blushes- Yeah, I know.

Itachi: Well, whilst we're here, I want you to tell me which of these you like the best. -points to a row of chairs-

Gaara: Um…-points to a chair with a black metal frame and blue cushions- That one.

Itachi: Right. Now we've got that sorted, I want you to go to Lee for your lesson in hair care. -runs his hands through Gaara's hair- I don't see the problem, but then again, I'm only an expert in chairs.

Ketsi aka Narrator: This time I'm only here to tell you that there's a scene change. And to abduct Itachi for a while. -cuddles Itachi-

Lee: -is actually smiling- Gaara! You look really good!

Gaara: -blushes again- Erm…thanks.

Lee: Anyway, since your hair isn't exactly terrible, and the only haircut we could give you would be to shave your head – and the fangirls would never forgive me – all I'm doing is teaching you how to look after it.

Gaara: There's a reason I have it this short.

Lee: Oh? -makes him sit in a chair with a sink behind it-

Gaara: Yeah. So I don't have to do this.

Lee: -fills up the sink- What, come to the hairdressers?

Gaara: Pretty much, yeah.

-beat-

Gaara (cont'd): You're not doing my hair, are you?

Lee: Yep. -stops Gaara escaping- Don't worry, I'm trained.

Gaara: That's what I worry about.

Lee: You signed the contract…

Gaara: -lets Lee wash his hair- So…what are you really going to do?

Lee: Put some more colour into it. Honestly, your hair doesn't look real. We're high- and low- lighting it, and styling it a bit. And teaching you to look after it.

Gaara: Ok, ok, I get it.

Ketsi aka Narrator: And…Gaara had his hair washed. It was a great event, and many people came to watch. Because Gaara looked Damn Fine in those jeans.

Lee: -swats away Salon employees, who are also drooling- And now, we colour.

Ketsi aka Narrator: There was much rejoicing throughout the town that day, because Gaara removed his t-shirt to stop it being stained. And many females, and just as many males, came to the Salon to see Gaara have his hair done.

Lee: And now…

Gaara: Do I learn how to look after it now, by any chance?

Lee: -hugs- Yes!

Gaara: Go on then.

Lee: Well. We'll begin by blow drying it. Remember I shampooed it twice and conditioned it once? Good. Well, I'm blow drying it now, but try to just towel dry it normally. Now, look at this product. Look at it! You put this in whenever you dry it, regardless of blow drying or not. Put on this much – Gaara, look. This much, and put it through. Back to front, or it'll look greasy. Got that?

Gaara: …Yes…

Lee: And see how it's dry now? Well, now we're going to put this in it. Gaara, look. This product is completely different to this product. And if you mix them up, I swear I will kill you.

Gaara: Fine. What do I do with it?

Lee: Remember the stuff I put on your wet hair? Do that. -holds out pot of gunk-

Gaara: -takes a little bit-

Lee: More.

Gaara: -takes a little more-

Lee: No, more than that.

Gaara: -takes more-

Lee: You're not going to get anywhere in life by being stingy.

Gaara: -takes a stupid amount-

Lee: That's it! Now, back to front, Gaara.

Gaara: -applies gunk like a pro, then looks at Lee- I'm not thick, you know.

Lee: I noticed.

Ketsi aka Narrator: Once Gaara learnt how to look after his hair, and Lee made him repeat it several times, he was sent to a noodle bar, where Naruto was waiting for him. This is lucky for Gaara, because Naruto is one of the two or three people in the world who wouldn't jump him.

Naruto: -sees Gaara and drools-

Ketsi aka Narrator: Ignore everything I just said.

Naruto: Gaara, I'm going to take you in here, where they make really good ramen, and I'm going to get them to teach you how to make decent noodles.

Gaara: Can't you teach me?

Naruto: I'm not professional enough, apparently.

Gaara: But –

Naruto: I'll show you back at your place. -takes Gaara into the noodle bar-

Chef: Hi, Naruto! Gaara, in case you weren't paying attention before, I'm going to teach you to make ramen!

Gaara: Ok.

Ketsi aka Narrator: The chef (who I'll name…Iruka, just so he can have a cameo) then taught Gaara and Naruto how to make the greatest ramen on earth. Nearly.

Iruka: Right, you put this in here, and then simmer for a while…pour this in here…add this meat, but not that one –

Naruto: Can't we simplify it a bit?

Iruka: No! Stir it, simmer again, add that meat, and this…boil it…

Naruto: -whispers to Gaara- I'll teach you how to make it simpler.

Iruka: Put this to one side, pour this…

Naruto: We can leave now. I only came in to steal the ingredients.

Iruka: -is still talking, not noticing that Naruto and Gaara have gone- and then put the noodles into it…

Ketsi aka Narrator: Then, they got into the minivan that shouldn't exist and drove to Gaara's house. It saves time, and it's a plothole. Again, deal with it.

Naruto: I really hope you like your house.

Gaara: So do I.

Naruto: It's not that I don't trust Itachi…no, it is. I wouldn't trust Itachi with my house.

Gaara: Great…

Naruto: -opens the door- Itachi! You'd better not have –

Gaara: Wow.

Four of the Fantastic, Fabulous, Fantasmagorical Five: -glomp Gaara-

Ketsi aka Narrator: The house…well, the front room is a pale blue, with the chairs that Gaara chose. It's all light and spacious and pretty. They led him through all of the rooms. The kitchen is completely different, and Itachi insists on showing him where every little thing was. No one wants to see Temari or Kankuro's rooms, so we won't tell you what they're like. Gaara's room is a slightly darker shade than the front room, with a really big comfy bed. The gourd that disappeared down one of the plotholes landed here, so that's in the corner.

Itachi: You see? Now you can relax. Much better than before, isn't it?

Gaara: You're…right.

Itachi: Why do you sound surprised? -evil glare- Didn't you trust me?

Gaara: -panics- No no no! It's not that!

Itachi: -normal again. Well, as normal as he can be- Oh, good. Now, look at this. -walks over to the window- These curtains will stay open, do you hear? Open.

Gaara: -really, really doesn't want to make Itachi mad again- Ok. Open.

Itachi: -manic grin- Fabulous! And may I say your hair is divine?

Gaara: Thanks…

Lee: -appears. He must have heard the word 'hair'- Do you remember how to look after your hair?

Gaara: Yes.

Lee: -drags him into the bathroom- Now, recite it.

Gaara: Shampoo twice, condition once, put this mousse into it, back to front. Then blow or towel dry it. Once it's dry, put a lot of that gloopy stuff –

Lee: Super hold Gel.

Gaara: Yes, that. Put that into my hair, scrunch it around a little and I'm done.

Lee: I love you.

Gaara: -blinks-

Lee: Oh, and here's a little gift. -gives Gaara a little bottle- This stuff will stop the irritation around that tattoo.

Gaara: -looks at the bottle, then opens it-

Lee: I had it specially made for you.

Gaara: -serious gratefulness going on here- Thanks. -pours a bit out and rubs it on-

Lee: If you apply it every night, it should stop hurting. -hugs-

Gaara: -hugs back- Thanks!

Lee: -practically faints- You see? You would never have done that if we hadn't come and saved you!

Sasuke: -saves Gaara from Lee- I just want to show you something.

Gaara: -practically glomps Sasuke- Yes, yes, show me anything; just get me out of the bathroom!

Sasuke: -smiles-

Itachi, Naruto and Kakashi: -drool-

Sasuke: I just want to go through your wardrobe and we'll find out what you're wearing for tonight. -leads Gaara into the bedroom. Everyone else follows, just in case Sasuke decides to change his clothes too-

Sasuke: (cont'd) Well, if everyone sits on your new bed –

Itachi: -manic scream- Everyone take off your shoes!

Sasuke: -cough- Yeah. Well, we're going to go through Gaara's sexy new clothes and show you them.

Ketsi aka Narrator: Just to annoy Naruto, Itachi and Kakashi, Sasuke practically dressed Gaara. Gaara, honestly, didn't mind that much, which irritated them even more.

Sasuke: So, I paired these beautiful faded denim jeans with this light blue t-shirt and these absolutely stunning dark leather shoes. Isn't it lovely?

Itachi: I said he was gorgeous before…but now…

Lee: You talking about Gaara or Sasuke?

Itachi: Both, sweetheart, both.

Ketsi aka Narrator: Sasuke dressed Gaara again. And once more they both got severe evils.

Sasuke: And this look is damn fine too. I mean, these khaki cargo pants and a black sleeveless t-shirt…

Gaara: -checks himself out in the mirror- You're right, it looks good.

Naruto: -cheers- He loves himself!

Gaara: Oo

Naruto: …well, you love your new look, right?

Gaara: …yeah…

Kakashi: -interrupts before there's an uncomfortable silence- Well, what should he wear for his date with -shudders- Sakura?

Naruto: Is there anything un-sexy in his wardrobe?

Sasuke: No. Everything in here was chosen by me.

Kakashi: -stands up- I suggest he has this outfit on, because it isn't completely form fitting…and you have a very good body.

Gaara: -squeaks-

Naruto: Whatever. Gaara, come on, we're going to teach you how to make Ramen. The simple way.

Ketsi aka Narrator: Naruto took Gaara to the kitchen, where some magical pixies had lain out all the ingredients in little bowls so Naruto didn't have to actually do anything. They'll be back later, but right now, they've disappeared down a plothole.

Naruto: So, here we have some chicken stock. The pixies made it, and you'll never need to know how, because if you ever want to make ramen again they'll come back.

Gaara: O…k…

Naruto: Right, so into the stock, we put some leeks…some chillies…some ginger…-pulls out a bottle- some sherry I stole from Itachi, -pours in some then hides it again- and some of these really nice Chinese leaves.

Gaara: -watches- How many people can eat this?

Naruto: Well, I'm doing it for four, since three means some odd measurements.

Gaara: Meh, Kankuro eats for two people anyway.

Ketsi aka Narrator: Yes, Gaara of the Hidden Sand just said 'Meh'. It's just like before when Sasuke said 'dude'.

Naruto: I never understood how that happened.

Ketsi aka Narrator: Shut up! You shouldn't be able to hear me!

Naruto: Right, now all that is in there, and it's cooking a little, put these noodle in. The pixies deliver these too. -throws noodles in- Bring this to the boil, and let it simmer for four minutes. So, whilst it's cooking…tell me what you thought of today.

Gaara: Honestly? I thought I'd hate it – I mean, Temari only told me this morning that you were coming. But…

Naruto: -queen of gossip- But what?

Gaara: It's been good seeing you all again.

Naruto: -big Naruto stylee grin-

-beat-

Naruto: Anyway, food. There's some meat here, just throw it in, then boil it.

Gaara: This is utterly simple. Why didn't I learn to make this before?

Naruto: Laziness. So, you serve it…put the meat on top, and fill the bowl up with the soup up to the top of the noodles. -does it as he says it, then hands the bowl to Gaara- What do you think?

Gaara: -eats noodles- Good.

Naruto: Right, I think Kakashi has come up with something cultural now, so go see him. I'll just …eat these noodles.

Gaara: All of them?

Naruto: -deadly serious- Yes.

Kakashi: Gaara! I'm a genius!

Gaara: -finds Kakashi. He's in the front room, with a pile of tickets- How are you a genius?

Kakashi: I've found a few places that are vaguely cultural, and that will make Sakura stay away from you.

Gaara: What is it? -big shiny eyes- I'll take anything.

Kakashi: -goes through tickets- Well, there's ballet tickets…an opera…a zoo…

Gaara: Who gave them to you?

Kakashi: Funny thing, really. After you got your hair done, you and Sasuke were walking down the street. And one by one, each of these places sent someone out with these tickets. And they said 'one for him, and one for that beautiful creature next to him'.

Gaara: So they're expecting Sasuke and me?

Kakashi: Yes…but we're going to cheat and sent one pretty thing and Sakura.

Gaara: -blushes for the nine hundredth time that day-

Kakashi: So which one do you want to go to?

Gaara: -pauses, then picks up a pair of tickets- Those.

Ketsi aka Narrator: What nobody else saw was Kakashi slipping another pair of tickets under the table, where one deranged raccoon was waiting to take it. I, of course, saw it. And I told you…oops…

Ketsi aka Narrator (cont'd): Yes. Cut to the Fantastic, Fabulous, Fantasmagorical Five and Gaara in the pretty new front room, toasting with six (new) matching glasses. And Drink! in those glasses. Again.

Gaara: -tears in eyes- Thanks for everything.

Sasuke: Aww! -glomps- I'm a sucker for crying guys.

Itachi, Kakashi and Naruto: -start taking notes-

Gaara: -still crying, but now with a Sasuke attached- I mean…none of this could have ever happened without you.

Lee: And your hair would have suffered for ever.

Gaara: Yeah…

Itachi: You would have been a misery guts.

Gaara: Thanks.

Kakashi: You might have never read Icha Icha Paradise!

Gaara: I still haven't.

Kakashi: -whispers- Yes, that's why I hid a copy under your bed.

Gaara: Um…great…

Naruto: And you would have never seen any of us ever again.

Gaara: -crying again- I know! Thank you!

Lee: Unfortunately, we have to go.

Ketsi aka Narrator: It was a sad day. Many tears were cried (mostly by Gaara, bless) and many hugs were given (mainly by Sasuke). And finally, the Fantastic, Fabulous, Fantasmagorical Five left. And there was no trace left behind, except for a spotless house and one very shexi creature in the living room.

Ketsi aka Narrator (cont'd): Scene change! At last! This is the good bit. The Fantastic, Fabulous, Fantasmagorical Five's living room. Itachi decorated, of course, but here he went slightly over the top. The walls are purple, with gold curtains hanging all over the place. To be perfectly honest, it looks like a palace crossed with an Egyptian tomb, but they're happy there. The Fantastic, Fabulous, Fantasmagorical Five settle down with some drink (Itachi looks confused as to where his sherry has gone) in front of a TV, and commence spying on Gaara.

Kakashi: Ooh, he's showering. I love it when they shower.

Naruto: Which idiot chose frosted glass for the shower door?

Itachi: …Me.

Naruto: I mean, what a great idea that was!

Lee: Look at that! Two shampoos and one condition! He listened to me!

Itachi: And before anyone asks, it was I who put the towel rail there.

Naruto: -grumbles at not seeing a nekkid Gaara-

Lee: And he's putting the right stuff on his hair…-looks utterly delighted-

Sasuke: He looks so good in those clothes.

Kakashi: …You chose them.

Sasuke: I know, I'm just bathing in my own greatness.

Naruto: And now he cooks.

Sasuke; In those clothes? I'll kill him if he makes a mess of them…

Naruto: I don't think he will. It's not like it's a messy thing to make.

Itachi: -spots sherry in Gaara's kitchen- So that's where it went! -turns to Naruto- You'd better buy me more. You're going all the way to Portugal and getting me some from there.

Naruto: -cheers- Road Trip!

Lee: That ramen looks really good.

Kakashi: Temari doesn't deserve that…

Lee: Kankuro does.

Others: -shocked look- Lee! Kankuro!

Lee: -suddenly very silent-

Itachi: -still fuming after the sherry incident- Is he leaving yet?

Kakashi: -possibly smirking under that mask, nobody knows- Yes. He's getting a taxi to Sakura's place, leaving the ramen behind for Temari and Kankuro to eat.

Gaara-on-TV: -leaves-

Sasuke: So…where's he going?

Kakashi: A concert.

Sasuke: -little glare at Kakashi- He's taking her to a concert?

Kakashi: -is silent. Sometimes that mask comes in very handy-

Sakura-on-TV: -sees Taxi- OhMyGod Gaara! -Runs to taxi, throwing open door- Gaara, I think that going out with you will make Sasuke so jealous, won't it? I think it will, I think sudden absence of noise from Forehead-girl-

Itachi: What? Why did she stop? -pauses- I'm not saying that's a bad thing…

Sakura-on-TV: -reaches into the taxi and pulls out a bottle of champagne with a note attached- Gaara… -reads note- I'm sorry I couldn't make it tonight, I had other arrangements. But here is two tickets for the ballet, and Neji is waiting there for you. Have fun.

Ketsi aka Narator: All hell just broke loose in the Fantastic, Fabulous, Fantasmagorical Five's penthouse suite.

Lee: He stood her up!

Naruto: -dances- Nice one Gaara! Nothing better than a blow to Sakura's pride!

Itachi: This means everything we did is wasted!

Sasuke: -almost sadly- So we'll not see him again?

Kakashi: I wouldn't say that… -points to doorway, where Gaara is standing, holding a bunch of flowers and two tickets-

Gaara: -out of breath- Sasuke…wanna go to the concert with me?

Sasuke: -practically launches himself at Gaara- Yes!

Ketsi aka Narrator: Remember before when I told you that all hell broke loose? It was worse now. Gaara and Sasuke attempting to leave the room without breaking lip contact, Itachi and Naruto were half crying at the loss of a perfectly good Bishounen, half attempting to kill Kakashi ('you traitor!'), and Lee was drinking all the Drink! that was left in the room.

Sasuke: -pausing for breath- but…how did you get here?

Gaara: Fell out of a plothole.

Sasuke: -nodding, because that's perfectly acceptable in Ketsi's world of plotholes- Ah. -attaches himself to Gaara's lips again-

Lee: -has now drunk all the Drink! in the room, wanders over to Sasuke and Gaara- So…you're not a straight guy any more?

Gaara: -attempts to shake head whilst kissing-

Ketsi aka Narrator: So, again, before the scene become lemon juice, (which in inevitable) we end. Or…perhaps we shall simply speed forward six months, getting a lift from one of my plotholes, of course. Here, the Fantastic, Fabulous, Fantasmagorical Five (minus Sasuke and Lee but plus Neji and Shikamaru, yep, Sakura turned two more) are visiting Gaara's house. Temari moved out, disgusted at her brothers, and Kankuro moved out to go and live with Lee in one of my plotholes. They got Itachi in to decorate, but that is another story.

Fantastic, Fabulous, Fantasmagorical Five: -fall through the door- Gaara!

Gaara: -pokes his head around the bedroom door- You're early!

Fantastic, Fabulous, Fantasmagorical Five: No…we're late.

Gaara: Dammit! Hang on. Just…look around a bit, we'll be with you in a second.

Neji: I wish I'd been with you when you did this place.

Itachi: No…if I'd let you help with decorating you would have painted it purple, and that's all wrong for this kind of environment.

Naruto: -first in the kitchen- Gaara! You've been cooking!

Voice: Yeah…never lets me in the kitchen any more…

Naruto: -turns around- I know that voice…

Voice aka Sasuke: Yes, it's me. This shouldn't surprise you – I left you four for him.

Naruto: -smacks himself in the head- Good point. He cooks a lot?

Sasuke: Only all the time.

Itachi and Kakashi: -appear and glomp Sasuke- Sa-su-keeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Sasuke: -needs to breathe-

Gaara: -pulls Kakashi, Itachi, and now Naruto off Sasuke- Hands off my boyfriend!

Sasuke: Fiancé.

Fantastic, Fabulous, Fantasmagorical Five: Fiancé?

Shikamaru: When's the wedding and can I help plan it?

Itachi: Why didn't you tell me? What kind of brother are you?

Gaara: I only proposed this morning…

Itachi: You're forgiven.

Shikamaru: -in the style of a spoiled child- Wanna plan the wedding!

Sasuke: We wanted to ask you to plan it anyway.

Shikamaru: -dies-

Gaara: All of you.

Fantastic, Fabulous, Fantasmagorical Five minus Shikamaru: -all die-

Gaara and Sasuke: -lock lips-

Ketsi aka Narrator: Here, the curtain falls. And you won't see the Fantastic, Fabulous, Fantasmagorical Five ever again. Well…not until they decide to make over…Zabuza's ghost.

.-'K'-,-'E'-,-'T'-,-'S'-,-'U'-,-'R'-,-'U'-,-'I'-,

Ketsi: Read and Review. Please?

Sasuke: Me. And Gaara.

Gaara: Why didn't you write any lemon?

Ketsi: Because we're currently on holiday, I'm using my dads computer and I have enough of your lemon at home.

Gaara: Aww…

Ketsi: But, if I get enough reviews, I will write up the lemon for the end of this fic and post it somewhere for my diehard fans.

Sasuke: Like you have any of them.

Ketsi: My point exactly. Meanwhile, I'm going to draw Gaara-the-Goth. And shexi Gaara with a pet Sasuke. And if y'all are good enough, I'll give you a link!


End file.
